Things I'm (Still) Trying to Get Done

For the past three years I’ve had the same three major goals in life. I’ve been very clear about them, and I’ve focused on them, thought about them, researched and googled them, planned, schemed, and plotted. And I’ve made some headway toward accomplishing them. But these goals are some tough suckers. 


 "Knox Goals Notebook," by Jamie is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Briefly here they are:

Write.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I have dreams of writing for a living, but that is so far away that it really is just a dream right now. Over the past year, I’ve been writing more and more frequently, and several hours a week, at times. But it’s not steady and predictable like I’d like it to be. I want to be able to count on pounding out a minimum of thirty minutes a day or a minimum word count—maybe one thousand words. It hardly matters what the minimums are at this point, I’d just like to know there will be a minimum. I’d like to count on myself to write at least five days a week, but I’m not there yet. There are still too many things that keep me from writing. For several weeks in May I wrote regularly and for a good period of time every week. Then June hit, and things went crazy at work, as things do in June, and I didn’t write a word for five weeks. Now things are less crazy at work and I’m back at it, which is something. But I don’t want those breaks to happen. I’d like to find a corner of my life where I know I’ll write every single day for at least twenty or thirty concentrated minutes, even when things are crazy. But I’m not there yet.

Improve my back health.

I don’t plan to dwell on this. No one wants to hear about someone else’s aches and pains, especially if there’s no miracle solution attached, which (spoiler alert) there isn’t. I’ve posted previously about my back, what’s wrong with it, what I’m doing about it, what I think is helping, blah, blah, blah. Here, I just want to acknowledge that it’s a constant focus in my life, and it needs to be, but I don’t plan to talk about it much.

Lose weight and get fit.

Not being able to exercise with abandon (see previous paragraph) makes this goal a lot harder. As far as meals go, we’re pretty low-carb at my house, but for me that’s an all or nothing situation. I waver from being sweetener- grain-, and alcohol-free, to swimming in junk food that I refrain from sharing with my husband, because he would not thank me. So I’ll be trying out another Whole30—the land of no sugar, no grains, no alcohol, no legumes, no dairy—hopefully very soon.

I can’t believe I just said that like I meant it.

The Boring Post About My Back Pain

I’ve had back pain since May 2010. It came to me in the midst of a fit and active lifestyle. I was doing vigorous strength/cardio interval workouts two mornings a week, running three days a week, practicing martial arts, and in the best shape of my life. I was getting up at 4:20 am and getting to the gym by the stroke of 5 (well sometimes) and working out with a great group of girls who were lots of fun and supportively competitive. But that all came to an end.

The Cause
Apparently I have back pain because of decades of poor posture and incorrect movement, although no one ever told me I had poor posture and I had always tried to stand, sit, and move as correctly as I knew how. Over the course of a year and a half I received excellent care from two different physical therapists and got lots of rest, but this only helped to a limited degree. I tried to return partially to the fit and active lifestyle I had previously loved, but within a few months I was done. Again. No strength workouts, absolutely no running. My back said so, and it meant business. Things got more and more painful, and after a while I couldn’t find a comfortable position. Sitting, standing, walking, laying down—everything hurt too much. Sleeping was difficult. In December 2013, I got an MRI and found out I had three herniated discs in my lower back, two of which were pressing on nerves. 


“Back,” by Lucas Cobb is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

The Solution?
The doctor suggested pain management and if that didn’t work, maybe surgery. I went to my pain management appointment and got steroid injections. But I didn’t like the idea of pain management. I didn’t want to settle for managing my pain; I wanted to be pain-free. I wasn’t wiling to just sit down, give up, and let someone manage my pain. And inexplicably, my first (and only) steroid injection led to the most painful episode with my back I’d had to date. And it lasted for more than a month, even with three-times-daily dose of muscle relaxants.

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands.
I decided I wasn’t ready for pain management or surgery. I started to do some reading instead. One book, Fixing You: Back Pain, by Rick Olderman was really helpful. It said things my physical therapists had also said. That repeated incorrect movement and/or poor posture over time can damage tissues and joints, and cause muscle imbalances. Over time, that damage can lead to pain. Treating the pain, or treating the damaged tissues and joints, may alleviate the symptoms for a time. But you won’t really have permanently solved the problem if you don’t address and change the ongoing cause: incorrect movement and poor posture.

What’s Been Working for Me, Kinda
It turns out, the solution, for me, at least right now, is consistently moving correctly. This is not an easy task—so much of how we move is subconscious and ingrained. My neural pathways were first made decades ago and forging new ones that are deep enough to keep me on track—even when I’m not thinking about it, even when I’m reacting suddenly and moving quickly—that’s quite a task. But ‘m working at it. WIth the help of truly excellent physical therapists, as well as on my own, and now with thoroughly trained pilates instructors, I’ve been working to correct my posture and movements.

This has led to less pain, and now, often, no pain. Although it all comes flooding back if I engage in activity with any impact at all. So still no running for me. Biking and hiking are okay as long as I don’t do too much uphill work. Swimming is good. Light weights are okay, but not overhead. No lower body strength work. So I’m absolutely not back to where I’d like to be. But. Y’know.

This Is My Life
I’ve had some progress and that makes me happy. I can run up the stairs of my home freely and without pain. Last week I stepped in a hole unexpectedly, and my previously-ever-so-sensitive-back reacted like a normal person’s back. It wasn’t happy, but I’m not feeling it today and I certainly won’t still be feeling it in two weeks. Yes I’m constantly having setbacks. I’m hoping someday I’ll be able to exercise like a normal person. But right now, I’m just grateful to go to sleep every night without pain.